ROCK AND ROLL TOILET: 20 Folks You'd Never Want to Follow Into a Restroom
Jan 19, 2007, 20:48
illustration by Brian Walsby © 2007
Ah yes, human excrement: The Brown Stuff; Poo-poo; Doo-doo; Feces; Number 2; The Great Unifier; The Universal Equalizer. Everybody does it and nobody can deny it. Some, however, do it worse than others, and certainly any musician who has spent enough time on the road gobbling crap food and cheap beer, doing little more than playing slug bug and the “Fist The Beatles” game can tell you musicians do it the very worst of all.
So, consequently, I hauled my mind out of the cellar and did my best on-the-throne thinking about just who has the smelliest shit, who lays the most tumultuous turds, and who drops some seriously dangerous diarrhea in rock and roll. Despite the obvious, I ruled out GG Allin since he always put his on display for everyone to sample freely, plus he's, uh, dead... and all of Poison Idea because that was just a bit too obvious.
All I can say is be sure you beware the backstage area after you read this... and I'm only trying to helpâ€¦
20) RYAN ADAMS: Look at any recent photo of Mr. “I'm Not Bryan” and let your mind do the rest. If that doesn't work, just stare at the beard. He's also also the kind of asshole who would probably tell you that his shit is worth its weight in gold and demand that you add that to his guarantee.
19) BOBBY GILLESPIE (Primal Scream): One word: haggis. Two words: Scotch whisky. Three words: lots of drugs. Four words: scrawny UK digestive system. Five words: a horror waiting to happen. Six words: get the fuck out immediately, man.Â
18) LENNY KRAVITZ: You know what must be the worst job in the world? Being the guy that carries Mr. Kravitz's chair around. Don't laugh—he has a guy on payroll who does this. This can only mean he also has someone else in his employ strictly around to wipe his toches. What comes out of it might be partially Kosher, but then again, a steady diet of ego and untold amounts of schmutz probably brings the reality closer to something much worse than gefilte fish and roses.
17) BIZ MARKIE: Considering the fact that he put himself fully exposed on the throne on one of his album covers (Biz's Baddest Beats), and not to mention had a hit with the Curtis Blow-penned “Pickin' Boogers,” my greatest fear is that this man could start a stampede simply by lifting a butt cheek. I'm sure that “Vapors” was something he planned to duet with Wesley Willis on, but all the same, that “who, me?” look that The Biz always had on his face definitely points to the suspicion the true terror certainly must lay within his toilet bowl.Â
16) ROBERT SMITH (The Cure): A steady diet of Ho Ho's, fish and chips, and angst is probably one of the worst things for a GI tract, not to mention the sheer weight of upholding that hair, that back-catalogue and that stomach. I imagine, knowing of Mr. Smith's particular fancy for White Castle cheeseburgers, there's little to no doubt his visits to the powder room get twice as abominable while on tour in the US. “Slider,” anyone?
15) CHUCK BERRY: The King of Sleaze has got to take dumps worth fleeing from. Lord knows if CB couldn't get to a restroom in time he'd just as surely use the back seat of his rented Lincoln, stage left, or any available groupie's mouth (oh wait, he did do thatâ€¦but just the other end).Â
14) JACK WHITE (The White Stripes): Has been known to sign his name in brown on every bathroom wall he visits. For a guy who eats up so much of his own shit, that stuff can't be so wonderful the second or even third time it comes back around/out. I wonder if his ego can move out of the way fast enough as to not suffer from splash-back?
13) KEITH RICHARDS: The man's been dead since at least 1982â€¦you tell me what that's going to smell like?
12) PETER PRESCOTT (Mission of Burma): You know why Peter screams so much? It's because he's constipated. And you know why MoB used to play so fucking loud? It's because it was the easiest way to induce Peter's BM's. And you know, now that they don't play as loud, it takes a little longer to unleash those backed-up sub sandwiches that have been percolating in his “belly full of lead” which might also explain the endless encores they've been doing recently (and the plexi-glass mudflap around the drums).
11) OZZY OSBOURNE: A layer of killer shits which probably needs no explanation but in theory I submit this: the real reason the late Randy Rhodes was trying to bump the tour bus with the plane way back on that fateful day in 1982 was because he had gotten so sick of plunging out of the tour bus toilet Ozzy kept plugging up so he figured making the Oz Man experience a flood of his own deposits would get him to stop doing it. Either that or the plunger simply failed to work and Randy, having received some expert advice from a local plumber, knew that the only thing that was gonna work was to make the bus go horizontal. The rest is just sad rock history.
10) MICHAEL ANTHONY (Van Halen): Heavy drinking, heavy eating, heavy sweating, and just plain being heavy can only lead to one thing: explosive diarrhea. And the real reason Van Halen had their food slaves remove all the brown M&M's was that they reminded the other guys a little too much of the floaters that Mr. Anthony would leave for them in the backstage water closet.
9) FRED DURST (Limp Bizkit): The man obviously adores the smell of his own farts. Subjects bandmates and girlfriends (not to mention random promoters) to sudden games of “Gas Chamber” featuring his own special brand of Zyklon B. Probably also thinks that shit eating videos are “cutting edge”... which is undoubtedly the realm his career is headed towardâ€¦ ker-plop.
8) MARK E. SMITH (The Fall): All you need to know is, he drinks too much, smokes too much, tours too much, is English, and did way too much speed and acid in his day. If his puke did such devastating destruction to his teeth, what sort of thermonuclear cold fusion waste do you suppose comes out of his arse?
7) COMMANDER CODY (The Lost Planet Airmen): The man had a song called “Two Triple Cheese Side Order of Fries.” Need I say more?
6) FRANK BLACK (aka Black Francis of The Pixies): Known to eat band members he loses arguments to. Every song he has ever written is really about food (i.e. “Here Comes Your Man,” “Bone Machine,” “Tony's Theme”). Witness the largest weight gain in rock since Elvis Presley and Stevie Nicks. Looks like he could cut a really bad one and in turn would deny it.Â
5) THURSTON MOORE (Sonic Youth): So proud of himself that during the shooting of 1991: The Year Punk Broke he made a cameraman film his dookie as proof that his bullshit actually does come out the other end.
4) DAVID THOMAS (Pere Ubu): Have you ever imagined the odor of Remy Martin VSOP and tour food coming out of the no-fly zone? Do you really want to know? His first band, Rocket From The Tombs its been rumored was named in honor of Mr. Thomas' ability to do the horizontal spurt.
3) ANN WILSON (Heart): The only musician ever endorsed by Drake's. “Barracuda” was actually about the log Ms. Wilson laid that flooded Sea-Tac Airport in 1976.
2) LESLIE WEST (Mountain): The outtake from Woodstock that I didn't get to see was the one of that nice old janitor suffocating himself into coronary arrest after attempting to clean Mr. West's private port-a-potty. Believe me, they weren't called Mountain for nothing.
1) MEAT LOAF: The winner, hands down. Just the mere mention of his name evokes frightening images of sweaty anal terror and ghastly gas. Known to topple entire porcelain fortresses in a single blast. Horrific occurrences have been known to happen following middle of the night excursions to Golden Corral. Onstage reliance on Depends is not currently known.
Runners up: 2000 DS, any band signed to Jade Tree, any band that labels itself “crust punk”, Big Chief, Elvin Bishop, D. Boon, The Bunny Brains, Hugo Burnham (Illustrated Man), Butthole Surfers, CSNY, Bun E. Carlos (Cheap Trick), Conflict, Kim Deal, Graeme Edge (Moody Blues), Mark Eitzel, Mama Cass Elliot, Fear, Gary Floyd (Dicks/SDH), Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead), Grand Funk Railroad, Hawkwind, Bill Hicks, Kenne Highland, Bob “The Bear” Hite (Canned Heat), The Jesus & Mary Chain, Top Jimmy, Janis Joplin, Killing Joke, KISS (except Eric Carr), k.d. lang, Zack Lazar (Black Helicopter), Alex Lifeson (Rush), Larry Lifeless (Kilslug/Upside Down Cross), Courtney Love (Hole), Mike McCready (Pearl Jam), Freddie Mercury (Queen), Kylie Minogue, Keith Moon (The Who), Stevie Nicks (Fleetwood Mac), Pantera, Pigpen (Grateful Dead), The Police, Elvis Presley (post-1968),Â Richard Pryor, Seth Putnam (Anal Cunt), Black Randy, Lou Reed, Smashmouth, Donita Sparks (L7), Ray Thomas (Moody Blues), Tribe 8, Tom Waits, Robbie Williams, Wesley Willis, Jonathan Winters, Angus & Malcolm Young (AC/DC), and Frank Zappa.
Editorial note: Unlike Chunklet the author of this piece, coward not he, makes no claim that this list is based on any “scientific poll” and in fact, freely admits he pulled it completely out of his ass.